“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
So we got a goldfish…
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.