I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
m’lady
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
me after eating Cheetos
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now