Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*