If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
? 💀
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
This raises questions
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”