Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
You Might Also Like
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe