mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth