Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn