I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
wow
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Human are so complicated
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Blew out my flip flop…
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that