FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Gods work.