My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.