1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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why isn’t thunder called soundning
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”