me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
translated into Canadian
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Thursday Thought.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich