*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Sniffing the broccoli
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*weighs self after shaving
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”