My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.