I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Perfect.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.