Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You Might Also Like
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.