This made me smile…
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Its a hippotatomus
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?