Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂