I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Money is the root of all wealth
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Put this video in the Louvre
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan