Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Cake!!
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15