Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal