I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Lmao 🤣