What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.