Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
titanic
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.