“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Feels
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.