my friends when i can’t do basic math
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My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin