i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
You sure about that?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.