Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
c’mon!
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Mad Max: Furry Road
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what