I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.