shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Name another movie that mislead you?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
man: wait
time: no
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.