“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead