Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?