The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter