When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.