Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]