DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You Might Also Like
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?