I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work