I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
don’t be scared
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?