What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”