tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You Might Also Like
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
looks legit