Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I drew y’all a little something.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.