If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
You got this…
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals