Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
We’ve all been there…
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
why I oughta
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!