Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
ibopfufen
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird