The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
a lot to unpack here
who wore it better?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?