[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.