Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”