*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.