I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.