Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”